A Trafficker in Climaxes

I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by.

Douglas Adams
English humorist & science fiction novelist (1952 – 2001)

Deadlines and quarter life crises are up to my neck, and they might drown me soon. I have a horrible, horrible feeling every time I think of what the future holds for me. My dreams and my principles are battling against each other and I feel so helpless so I turn to my deadlines and drown myself with them more.

Lately, I feel like I have stopped living and just started worrying. If worrying can kill, I am long dead by now. If worrying is contagious, I may have subconsciously invented a way for it to seep through your monitors right now and kill you as well, even if you are miles away. My anxiety is that powerful.

I need to stop worrying and just do what I have to do and then watch where my efforts take me. I sometimes forget my younger self, the one who has no care for the world. The one who still worries, yes, but doesn’t let the anxiety consume her.

I am an anxiety zombie. I lose sleep over the things that aren’t happening yet. I need to reinstate my ego somewhere lower in my head and just let it simmer there and let it calm down and stop thinking of how breaking it would be the death of me. I am more than my ego, after all. Or am I? ha!  A personal millennium prize problem.

Btw, today’s my favorite author’s death day. I was reminded of it through an SMS from trusty little Google Calendar. That app is amazing, I tell you. To celebrate, I should be reading something KVJ but deadlines are still looming over the horizon and I cannot given in to this little personal commemoration of my dear love’s passing. However, let me share to you one of my favorite quotes of his, and one that I try to live by. This quote is a timely reminder too, considering my current predicament.

I want to stand as close to the edge as I can without going over. Out on the edge you see all the kinds of things you can’t see from the center.

Kurt Vonnegut, Jr.
Novelist, Over-all cool guy (1922-2007)

I’ll try to do that without frightening myself to death. Thank you, KVJ.

Credits:

Illustration by Jim Rugg. Further information on Rugg: STREETANGELCOMICS.COM

Further information on Kurt Vonnegut: VONNEGUT.COM

What do you want me to do? LEAVE? Then they’ll keep being wrong!

This xkcd comic is an accurate summary of my life; or the part of it that I spend on the internet anyway (which is A LOT). Yes, I am extremely condescending online and I am not very fond of people whom I have major differences with. I tend to impose my thoughts and opinions on forums but I’m learning to just give up on it and move on, because yknow, it gets boring after some time. Also, I get pleasure in pissing others to the point of them losing their control, slipping into infractions and getting banned. I have tried it and it is very sweet indeed.

The Holy Week is quiet and slow and it gave me a chance to inspect my life.

I confuse myself. :(

I don’t seem to fit into any stereotype which might be cool but really I do, and not just one but A LOT. I feel like I’m too cool to be a geek and I’m too geeky to be cool. An extrovert who grew up to be so introverted to the point of distress. It’s funny how I was “awarded” the Gift of Gab in high school only to end up to losing the ability to chat several years later (okay, I chat but not offline¹).

I am a walking contradiction. :(

I do not know my niche.

Which geek are you? Click photo.

I know that I geek over some things but I am not a geek on any field. I like comics but I’m not into mainstream Marvel/DC superheroes. I like movies, but I like them all. I download a lot and watch too little of it. I like TV shows but it’s agonizing to watch them endlessly for an entire day.  My attention span cannot stand it. I like books and my interest in them might be the one thing that can win me an otaku spot but I haven’t been reading enough books lately. I like Physics but I have lost confidence in Math to actually excel in it. I was tormented with too much Math before I could learn to like it. Numbers are boring, applications of it and theorizing over the universe on the other hand, is übercool. Also, I like music but I fail at playing any instruments. I admit though that it is more of a failure in trying than anything else. Trying to learn an instrument is hard when you are surrounded with insanely talented people. I love programming and coding but I don’t have the grades to show for it. Also, I can be too shy.

I do not fit in. :( ²

¹ Yes, that’s a Sheldon Cooper quote for you.
² :P I am constipated. lol

P.S. I can’t believe I forgot to link the comic to xkcd.

Lol CSI meme! ILU 4evar. You get me by the balls every time.

I am pretty pleased with the Oscars this year. Most of my bets won and I am so glad that Kathryn Bigelow won Best Director and The Hurt Locker won Best Picture. I lot of people have expressed disappointment over Avatar’s failure to bag the big prizes but I have been rooting for the underdog all the way. It is also very heart-warming to see an excellent, low-budget film that failed to achieve commercial success triumph over one of the highest-grossing movies ever. Heh.

I also didn’t like Avatar. Come’on, unobtainium?! Seriously?! HAH, Na’vi fans. If my schadenfreude was sex, it just had a round-robin of orgasms.

A lot of people doubt The Hurt Locker’s resilience to the test of time. Will it become a classic? Yes, it probably will. With its representation of the war in Iraq and Bigelow being the first female Best Director winner, that’s not something you can shake off easily. It’s a deserved win in both categories too and if my vote would’ve mattered and I needed to be objective, I would have picked it still.

But Avatar aint and will never be a loser. That movie is going to have a lasting impact in its own right and quite possibly even a larger one at that. Even though it’s lacking on story (hello, Pocahontas), it’s an achievement in what movies can do and it was a pleasant film to watch from start to finish. Also, all those box office records! Awards or not, it sure has earned its place in cinematic history.

I’ve become such a dorkus lately. Staying up until 3AM, waking up at 9-ish, watching TV shows, reading comics, taking a bath late afternoon (or never), more TV shows or movies, and squeezing freelance work and schoolwork in between all those madness. It feels like high school all over again (but with pay). I love it.

I also went back to interacting with strangers over the internet. Chatroulette is a great place and it’s like teh mad and rad IRC of the 00′s. I’ve talked to a couple of fascinating people there today – one Spanish and a guy from France.

The Frenchie was fun. We talked about French films, French music and why he wasn’t wearing pants (he wasn’t naked either. he had a towel wrapped around him). He was a bit surprised with my familiarity with French cinema and even apologized for not knowing anything about the movie scene in the Philippines. I shrugged his apologies off and told him that I don’t know much about Philippine cinema either. heh.

Except One More Chance. I am in love with that movie.

The Spanish guy was funny. I started the conversation with how our countries have a long and interesting history together. I also mentioned that his people killed our national hero and I grew up with angst against Spaniards (those colonizers! rapist priests! etc!). Anyhoo, we hit it off pretty well and are exchanging e-mails atm.

I’ve also signed up for this online game that my friend has been blabbering about for the longest time. I haven’t really read about or started playing the game yet (no time!) but it’s oGame.org and I’m on Universe 28 under the name Arathuine (the LOTR elven name that I’ve been using since high school for online games).

Anyhoo, I got classes in 7 hours and work to be submitted tomorrow. If there’s anything I hate about the 21st century, it’s the fact that no one has invented a cure for needing to sleep yet. I hate sleeping. It takes up too much time.

Ciao!

P.S. I’m downloading Doctor Who. I’ve been hearing a lot about it lately and the comics was A++. I can’t wait!

A Valentines Day mixtape for you guys here. It consists mostly of the songs in my boyfriend’s birthday mixtape which I got for him last Sunday, but anyway, they suit a livelier and more love-filled Valentines Day too! No more lonely February songs!

The last few days have been crazy and hectic. My thesis was due for a presentation last Friday and it was insane. I lost a lot of sleep, got sick and almost peed my pants due to nerves that simply won’t calm down but it was well worth it. I think it’s safe to say that my first presentation was a success. I managed to meet the requirements and impress my adviser. I was stoked/scared/fierce and promised myself to go apeshit on the celebration I was planning after but I felt too tired to go out and party.  It’s like all the adrenaline rushing  throughout the day came crashing back down. I barely even had the energy to go out for some  pizza.

My mother was supportive all throughout the preparations. She even got me this corporate-looking suit which was unnecessary but I still wore it for the lulz. After a quick nap, my boyfriend successfully dragged me out for some pizza and I capped the night with an hour of back massage. I must have snored but that’s okay. :P

Lest you think my thesis and future are sealed, they aren’t. This is the calm before the storm. I have another presentation in two weeks and it’s Me vs SugarCRM-Moodle-Data Mining-Artificial Intelligence all over again. Wish me luck! I need it!

totally unrelated picture

It’s 1:35AM at the time of writing and I do not know what the hell I’m still doing here. If I didn’t know any better, I’d think I’m slacking but I’m not. I am hopelessly giving in to my compulsion of getting things that I worry about done and over with. Aaaaaaand… tonight’s object of extreme anxiety happens to be this site’s layout.

I cannot, for the life of me, find the perfect theme and I unfortunately learned that that is what you’re gonna end up with if you don’t make one yourself. I’ve spent hours trying to find the appropriate theme – hours that could be very well spent on other things (thesis and freelance writing, for instance).

Oh well, I think I’m quite content with this one though. It’s kinda far from what I had in mind but it should suffice for the next two and a half months. Yep, I’ll hopefully be free enough to arrange things myself on April’s first week.

P.S.

Thanks for the hits and the comments, guise. You are all awesome.

Welcome to WordPress. This is your first post. Edit or delete it, then start blogging!

I seriously cannot wait to blog here. I know that I have never really been a good blogger, having had so many blogs before. However, this is my first WordPress blog on a domain bearing my name. I am totally giddy with excitement but alas! duties call. :(

I have to finish several articles and my thesis is begging to be worked on. See ya later, internet.